Konner's Rant(At12:38AM)

Okay, it's 12:38, but I can't sleep. It's another one of those nights. Where these thoughts keep moving around in my head, and these words are bubbling up, and I can't say anything to anyone, I have no one to talk to, no one to yell at. And then I remembered, I have this place. And I don't even know if anyone will read this, but I have to rant. Then, maybe I'll be able to sleep.

There's almost no support at school. Of course, not everyone knows I'm transgender, and I don't correct them on mistakes that they unknowingly say, but it doesn't stop the fact that it upsets me. I am not her. She is gone. My name is Konner, and I want to be heard as him, as me. I want people to look at me and see the person that I am inside, and who I see. I hate being treated as a girl. I have a few friends who are pretty good at it, Branden included.The GSA president. But one of my best friends, who's heard my ranting and dealt with it, gotten me through tough situations, lent an ear when I needed to talk can't even get it right. I don't understand why it's so hard on him. He hates change, but if he loves me for me, I would hope he could do some changing for me.

Some days, I want to give up on him. It would be easier, to not deal with the constant 'she, her' coming from his mouth, directed to my body, but not ME. I love him to death, but sometimes it's just so hard. And I don't like correcting him on it, because usually we're laughing and having fun, and when I mention the evil "T", he gets awkward and odd. I hate it. I hate being stuck in this body.

I never really realized how much this made me angry and frustrated, but I was thinking about it. Lets go back to the first day of school, also known as Picture Day. The year before, my mom had gotten upset with me that I hadn't worn makeup, so this year, I had to. Eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara. But, in my own victory, I got to wear my first male shirt. Blue, white and black flannel. I got my hair cut. Without make up, I looked pretty good. But, for my mom, I had to conform.

Pictures went by fine, good, went to second period, lunch, then third period. Sophomore Lit. The teacher had student aids, who mainly just sit around and do nothing for the period. But she had them pass out papers and such, and when they got to the back of the room, one of them said to a girl, "Pass the extras to him.", him being me. When I looked up at him, slightly confused as to what the papers were for since I was in my own mind, just chilling, he quickly apologized for calling me a guy. It was the make up that mostly gave me away. And, for some reason, I was upset by that. And I still am, slightly embarrassed, since it's actually really silly, but it's the small things that count. And being called a guy makes me happy. But when people take it back, it's like a slap to the face.

Okay, I'm done with that story. And I still feel like I have more to say. Give me a minute... I'll wait and let the words come...

Yes, back on my train of thought. YouTube. Really, you can learn a bunch on there. And get support. You don't feel so alone. I've seen several different FTM guys on there, some that I REALLY LOVE, and just listening to them makes me feel better, but also really alone. I don't have a lot of friends. And I've been treated wrong in the past. I've totally given up on having a girl as a really good friend, because they're just... not good for me. At all. No offence if you are one, but the girls here(that I've had experience on) are terrible at best. Anyway, yeah. The friends that I have don't have the same interests as me, and aren't really supportive of my transition or my art. Or, really, anything at all. (I love you Branden, and we have tons of fun, but you know it's true! <3) So, yeah. I know it's two post almost in a row, but I needed to talk.

I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.

Peace, Equality, and Love to all-Konner

(PS: Sorry for spelling/grammar errors!)